some themes

I have been operating in scrooge mode, no giving. I think that is because giving to the less effective cause feels like murder and thinking I know what the most effective cause is feels like arrogance. Not given in like 3 years. Made a blog to debug my brain. Hid my real name so I can write crap, just figuring things out right now. I have lots of cash though.

Did I tell you I had a few symptoms of psychosis recently? That’s another bug I want to avoid, a way more serious one than my usual blah. But the usual blah is what I’m going to write about here.

Scrooge mode, all the money is mine but it doesn’t feel like I own it, not really. Is it mine to even give? Is it not feeling like mine because it already needs to be given, like I’m my own donor advised fund?

I can’t give else I’ll look crazy. Not avoiding looking crazy is where I went wrong last time. Grinding my teeth again like that’ll do any good. What was that I was thinking about jealousy? Like I was suppressing it because of its overlap with contempt anger spite sexual feelings and insecurity? And possibly emotional pain?

Not allowed to feel emotional pain.

Grind teeth late at night when still at work, haven’t done that recently, was doing it out of spite for bank guy, why do I destroy myself out of spite for another person?

Debugging makes me psychotic, happened last time happened this time still not enough evidence for causal connection.

East end guy says I should set deadline for giving or something like that, that was after I had had some psycho symptoms and before I had a few more, but then they quietened down a bit. Maybe I should ask him again though that feels wrong, like it’s not about effective altruism any more. But it is.

Feeling when meme doesn’t get any likes like oh crap I did a bad thing. Always really kick myself when I do something embarrassing, sometimes years later. Am I afraid of doing something I’ll regret, with the giving? When I was depressed I was so selfish, I wanted every penny for me because I didn’t know how I would ever earn another one and wanted to just carry on the miserable life for as long as poss and not starve to death.

That didn’t turn out to be a problem that time and now I’m an EA again at least by identification, not in terms of actual career plan change or giving any money at all.

Made a to do list, rating on urgency importance and ease. Already got quite a few done, there’s a ton left and they’re the harder ones but still surprised myself I could get any done at all. I’m not depressed – it’s not like that – but still I struggle with all the things that need doing that aren’t what I want to be doing in that moment, which is most of the things.

There were 38 items on the list and I’ve since added 12┬ámore. Just thought of another.

This blog wasn’t one of them.


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